How to Know You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when…
- …Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you.
- …you can ski uphill.
- …you get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
- …you answer the door before people knock.
- …you just completed another sweater, and you don’t know how to knit.
- …you have to watch videos in fast-forward.
- …the only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
- …you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
- …you lick your coffee pot clean.
- …you’re the employee of the month at the local coffee-house, and you don’t even work there.
- …you’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
- …your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- …you chew on other people’s fingernails.
- …the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
- …you can jump-start your car without cables.
- …you have Styrofoam sofa covers.
- …if a kettle whistled in a forest, you’d hear it.
- …you don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.
- …you’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- …you go to any kind of meeting, just for the free coffee.
- …you walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
- …Starbucks owns the mortgage on you house.
- …you’ve melted away your fillings.
- …your face is on a Colombian postage stamp.
- …your tongue has the words “Genuine Leather” stamped on it.
- …instant coffee takes too long.
- …you’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
- …you go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
- …you speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
- …your thermos is on wheels.
- …your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
- …you short out motion detectors.
- …you don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- …you can play ping-pong without a partner.
- …your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- …your blood type is C8H10N4O2.
- …you have monogrammed coffee filters.
- …you drive around with a sign in your car that reads, “Coffee drinker on board.”
- …you made provisions in your will for your coffee supply.
- …you took a second full time job just for the coffee breaks.
- …your coffee mug has lip indentations on it.
- …you tear open bean bags, just to make sure.
- …you’ve gotten this far in the list after just 30 seconds.
- …you use coffee flavored mouthwash.
- …your deep blue eyes are now shallow brown.
- …you have your mail forwarded to a donut shop.
- …you don’t tan, you roast.
- …you constantly speak like an auctioneer.
- …your baby takes her milk steamed.
- …your motto is “a cup a day keeps the doctor away.”
- …you don’t get mad, you get steamed.
- …you have “His” and “Hers” coffee makers.
- …the Betty Ford Clinic opened a coffee ward just for you.
- …you had to remove your car stereo to make room for your cup holder.
- …if you had a nickel for every cup of coffee you drank, you’d buy more coffee.
- …you carry a spare mug in your briefcase and trunk.
- …when you hear there is trouble brewing, you say, “I’ll have a cup.”
- …you don’t salivate, you foam.
- …your personal ad reads, “Coffee Lover. Must have own mug. Send photo of mug.”
- …you help your dog chase its tail.
- …you registered for your wedding at the Starbucks.
- …you carry a portable, battery-operated, coffee maker in your fanny pack.
- …you soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
- …you think the “free refill” is the greatest thing since sliced bread.
- …your kids sing, “I’m a little coffee-pot, short and stout.”
- …your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
- …you introduce your spouse as your “Coffeemate.”
- …you converted your car’s radiator so you can brew up a pot while you drive.
- …you think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
- …you don’t have body odor — you have a fine aroma.
- …you have a bumper sticker that says, “I break for coffee.”
- …at get-togethers you don’t mingle — you blend.
- …your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Original author unknown