How to Know You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee

You know you’re drinking too much coffee when…

…Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you.
…you can ski uphill.
…you get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
…you answer the door before people knock.
…you just completed another sweater, and you don’t know how to knit.
…you have to watch videos in fast-forward.
…the only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
…you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
…you lick your coffee pot clean.
…you’re the employee of the month at the local coffee-house, and you don’t even work there.
…you’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
…your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
…you chew on other people’s fingernails.
…the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
…you can jump-start your car without cables.
…you have Styrofoam sofa covers.
…if a kettle whistled in a forest, you’d hear it.
…you don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.
…you’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
…you go to any kind of meeting, just for the free coffee.
…you walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
…Starbucks owns the mortgage on you house.
…you’ve melted away your fillings.
…your face is on a Colombian postage stamp.
…your tongue has the words “Genuine Leather” stamped on it.
…instant coffee takes too long.
…you’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
…you go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
…you speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
…your thermos is on wheels.
…your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
…you short out motion detectors.
…you don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
…you can play ping-pong without a partner.
…your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
…your blood type is C8H10N4O2.
…you have monogrammed coffee filters.
…you drive around with a sign in your car that reads, “Coffee drinker on board.”
…you made provisions in your will for your coffee supply.
…you took a second full time job just for the coffee breaks.
…your coffee mug has lip indentations on it.
…you tear open bean bags, just to make sure.
…you’ve gotten this far in the list after just 30 seconds.
…you use coffee flavored mouthwash.
…your deep blue eyes are now shallow brown.
…you have your mail forwarded to a donut shop.
…you don’t tan, you roast.
…you constantly speak like an auctioneer.
…your baby takes her milk steamed.
…your motto is “a cup a day keeps the doctor away.”
…you don’t get mad, you get steamed.
…you have “His” and “Hers” coffee makers.
…the Betty Ford Clinic opened a coffee ward just for you.
…you had to remove your car stereo to make room for your cup holder.
…if you had a nickel for every cup of coffee you drank, you’d buy more coffee.
…you carry a spare mug in your briefcase and trunk.
…when you hear there is trouble brewing, you say, “I’ll have a cup.”
…you don’t salivate, you foam.
…your personal ad reads, “Coffee Lover. Must have own mug. Send photo of mug.”
…you help your dog chase its tail.
…you registered for your wedding at the Starbucks.
…you carry a portable, battery-operated, coffee maker in your fanny pack.
…you soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
…you think the “free refill” is the greatest thing since sliced bread.
…your kids sing, “I’m a little coffee-pot, short and stout.”
…your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
…you introduce your spouse as your “Coffeemate.”
…you converted your car’s radiator so you can brew up a pot while you drive.
…you think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
…you don’t have body odor — you have a fine aroma.
…you have a bumper sticker that says, “I break for coffee.”
…at get-togethers you don’t mingle — you blend.
…your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Original author unknown